Clothing

Last night I decided to go through Sydney's clothes. I put in bag all the stuff we had bought to be returned. The rest of the stuff I will put in a tub to be saved for hopefully the next baby. It was hard to see all this stuff that I had picked out specifically for Sydney. I was so excited to see her wear each and everyone of these items. I can seem to keep it all because I don't want to have a ton of girl clothes and then have a boy later down the road. I wish I could see her in these cute dresses that I picked out so tiny and beautiful, just like she was. I went to Meijer this morning and returned the only 2 things I had bought from there, it was tough. I wasn't expecting it to be that hard with only two things. I am glad that Amanda is going to come with me on Tuesday to do the rest.

Today I have been seeing babies and pictures of families with babies. They are so happy and proud. I have forgotten that joy. I look at pictures from my boys birth and all I feel is sad. I know I was so happy when I had them you can see it in the pictures. But my latest birth experience has left me looking at birth and babies with sadness. I want to feel that joy and happiness again.

People have been telling me that I am so strong. I don't feel it, I feel like I am going to crumble at any moment.  I just want my baby back. Why can't I have her back? Why did she have to be taken away from us?