Another loss

April 2, 2013 we found out we were expecting our rainbow baby. For those that don't know a rainbow baby is a baby after a loss. Here is the quote that goes around the baby loss community.

"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

We were very excited, hopeful, and very fearful. Not just that we would lose the baby but also that the baby would always be looked at like a replacement. Everything seemed to be going great. We had an ultrasound on April 29 and we saw our little rainbow, heartbeat and all. Baby measured     7 weeks 2 days, right on track. Then we had to wait 3 more weeks to see our doctor for the first appt. In that time I was very emotional. I was terrified, anxious, sick, tired, and just all around uncomfortable. Eventually I just had a feeling something wasn't right. All of the usual 1st trimester symptoms just went away. Everyone said it was normal at 9 weeks for symptoms to slow down. But they didn't slow they stopped. I could feel it in my heart that we would not hear good news at the doctors. 

May 20, 2013(Sydney's 7 month angelversary) we went in for our 1st appt. I was trying to stay hopeful but also be prepared for the bad news. First we talked a little about Sydney's death and she gave us a possible answer. Sydney's placenta was smaller than it should have been for her size. But she was pretty confident it wasn't small to make her pass. Then she tried to get a heartbeat with the doppler and couldn't find anything, which we never get that early. So she decided to bring in the ultrasound machine. Usually she will put the wand down and you can see the heart flickering away and the baby just jumping around. I saw none of that. She was trying to keep us hopeful. But told us what she thinks might be happening. We were told we had to go to the hospital for a detailed ultrasound.  At 4pm we went in and the ultrasound confirmed there was no heartbeat. Baby had stopped developing at 9weeks 5days and I should have been 10weeks 2 days. 

We go in tomorrow(Thursday) for a D&C. I am a little nervous since the last D&C I had they missed some tissue and it was the worst pain ever. I don't want to have to go through 2 D&Cs again. Then we have to do some testing to make sure there is nothing wrong with me and how my body produces placentas. Hopefully we can figure something out and one day bring home that baby we are so longing for.