I am trying to go to sleep but as soon as I get in bed my mind wonders. I know it has been a while since I last blog, since then we lost my grandpa. He was 87 and lived a full life. When he passed my mind went back to the very painful losses we have had in the last couple years. I thought about Seth but mostly I thought about Sydney. I thought about how happy they must be together right now. But mostly I thought about the day that they told us just days away from her being born that her heart had stopped beating. I thought about the labor and delivery knowing that I could do it just to see my daughter, but also know that it would be the first and the last time I would ever do that. She never got to have a life. She never got to experience a kiss or hug from her loved ones, she never got to SEE us.
During my grandpa's funeral it took all I had not to cry because, once I were to start it would be full hyperventilating sobs. After the funeral everyone was saying how they kept thinking of Seth during the funeral, nothing about Sydney. No one thought about how hard it would be on me to go to the funeral. I thought about Seth, I think about him very often. But mostly if you ask what is on my mind it will be Sydney. I am sick of feeling like I am on this very long twisty ride with just Dave and myself.
Sydney mattered she mattered a whole lot to Dave and me. We have to deal with the pain everyday and we have to wake up thinking "will this be a good day or a bad" It has been a little over 9 months now but we will NEVER be over the loss of her. It is just hard to accept that other people are. Other people can move on with their lives and not think about her on a daily basis. But that will not be us. Everyday, every event, every birthday, or holiday we will think about her and miss her. It will get easier to deal with but it will be sadder every time knowing it is one more year she is not here.
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