Update

This weekend has been a hard one. I am still struggling with the news that Dave and I got. I have been thinking of all the people that were killed in the Sandy Hook shooting, and their families. I can't imagine sending my kid off to school giving them a kiss and telling them you love them not knowing that is the last time you will see them. Grief and loss is so different for every person and sometimes I think people think that I because we lost a baby that we know how other people feel. I can't imagine losing one of the boys, I can't imagine bringing a baby home only for them to die a few days, weeks, months, years later. We never got to know Sydney and that kills me everyday that I will never know what her voice would sound like, what she would smell like, what her personality would be. But it is a little comforting to know that she will never have to feel pain, anger, hurt. She doesn't have to live in a world where people go into an elementary school and kill innocent children. She gets to laugh, and love, and eat ice cream in heaven with her Uncle Seth and Great Grandma.

Lately I have been feeling the urge to cry, but no tears come out. It is a horrible feeling, kind of like when you feel like you need to throw up but can't. All you want to do is throw up so you feel better. Well that is how it feels all I want to do is cry and scream but nothing comes out. Sometimes the kisses and hugs from the boys helps, other times all I want is my baby. I contacted the photographer from NILMDTS again and our pictures our done and we should have them soon. I want and need to see them so bad but knowing that is the last little bit of Sydney we will get turns my stomach.

That is all I have for now. Merry Christmas everyone!