Busy Days

Busy days seem to help. Having people over or going and doing something with the boys. We still have our down times to be sad. I know it is normal and healthy to be sad and cry, but I don't like the way I feel, so helpless. Having people over brightens the day I can talk and laugh. Once people leave for the night we usually sit on the couch and watch some tv and relax. I am usually on the internet trying to find something to ease the pain. Reading stories similar to ours helps. I like to see how people can move on after a loss like this it gives me hope that we will one day be able to smile when we hear her name.

On another note I got a call from HR at work. They have my return date as dec 26th. I am not sure how that will work. I don't know if A. I want to return the day after Christmas and B. I am not sure how I will handle all the babies that come into the store. I have found I can handle seeing pregnant woman, because I was just pregnant for 9 months. I have been through that. It is the women with babies, healthy breathing babies. I should be a happy sleep deprived new mommy and instead I am a crushed sleep deprived angel's mommy. I love my little girl with all my heart and I will miss her every minute that I am alive. But I am also so incredibly grateful for the two crazy healthy boys I have. And one day I will have another baby in my arms and that baby will know who his/her big sister was. I will never know what her personality was or how her voice would sound. But I know that she was beautiful and that she would have been sweet, kind, and crazy just like her brothers.

I also need to acknowledge my husband. I have found since all this has happened I have fallen so much more in love with him. He is amazing and loving. I couldn't imagine going through this anyone else. I love you so much Dave you are the best husband and Daddy anyone could ask for.