The day our lives changed

Thursday October 18 I went to the doctors for a normal prenatal check up. I was excited I was 38 weeks pregnant and we were going to be scheduling an induction. I knew we were so close to seeing what our little girl was going to look like. Everything at the doctors was fine, as it always is. I left with an exciting date October 25! I was going to be induced one week from that day. The only worry on my mind was how am I going to fill this week. I need to keep doing something one week is such a long time at the end of pregnancy. That night I stayed up and watched TV, drank some tea, then went to bed. Nothing crazy happened at night. I got up to pee  couple times, and woke up on my stomach(I do this quite a bit while pregnant). When I got up I thought everything was fine. Went about my day as the day went on I realized I don't know if Sydney had moved yet. So I tried to lay down and relax. After about 5 mins the boys started fighting and I had to deal with that. That is how most my morning went. When I finally decided to pull out the doppler and check for a heartbeat I first went in the living room, since the boys love hearing the heartbeat. After a couple mins of looking and no success. I got up and went into the bedroom and locked the door. I tried to relax as much as I could and still I couldn't find anything. I then called Dave and my mom, they both said they were on their way. So I called the doc they told me to come in for a non stress test. My mom got there and I got Zack on the school bus. Once Dave got home we hopped in the car and left. We got to the hospital about 12:30 and sat in the reception area wait to get registered. It felt like forever. Once they got us in to L&D they got the fetal heart monitor out. The first nurse tried for about 10 mins to find a hb. She kept saying she had it and that it was lower than normal and spotty. So she had another nurse come in that nirse also looked and looked. They did a great job trying to keep me calm and tell me she probably just got herself in a funny position. They would contact the doctor and have him schedule an ultrasound. I knew at that point it was not going to be good news. But I tried to stay positive. We waiting for what seems like an hours, it was probably more like 15-20 mins. Finally the door opens and in comes the ultrasound machine and tech. I took a deep breath, this is the moment of truth. What ever we find out now can change our lives forever. As soon as she put the wand on my belly I caught a glimpse of the still heart. She moved it around a little to get a better shot hoping that is not what happened. After only a minute she said the words no parent wants to hear "There is no heart tone." At that moment I think my heart stopped. How is this happening? She was just fine yesterday. It must be a mistake the ultrasound just couldn't pick up the heartbeat. It is lying! At 3pm the doctor on call came in and told us what will happen. The whole time I am thinking "How do I go through labor and delivery, and say goodbye to my baby?" We decided we would just stay and start the induction. At 4pm on October 19 they started the pitocin.  I had so much family and friends there to support me. around 7 I got an Epidural, then around 8 the doc(my doc) came in a broke my water. It took her a long time because Sydney had moved up out of my pelvis. After that everyone sat around and talked and laughed and kept me company. The nurse gave me some sleeping pills around 11:30, and everyone but Dave and my mom left for the night. It would not be till the morning when she came anyway. I woke up on October 20th and realized this is suppose to be a happy day my sister's birthday. I was always hoping Sydney would be born on her birthday how cool would that be, but not like this. After a couple hours the doctor came in to check me as soon as she did she said I was ready. No, no I am not ready this is where everything gets real. They set up the bed and I pushed through 2 contractions. Sydney Michele Valliant was born a sleeping angel October 20, 2012 @9:46 am she weighed 7lbs 5oz 20in. She had lots of dark curly hair just like her big brother and blue eyes. Everything about her was petite her nose, her ears, her lips. She was just perfect. We hoped once she was out we would have an explanation on why this happened but nothing. Her cord was perfect, placenta was perfect, fluid was perfect. We held her and kissed her and held each other and cried with each other. They took her away to clean her up, dress her,and get her prints. When they brought her back my family was all there along with Dave's Aunt and Uncle. Everyone took their time to see her and kiss her, but let me snuggle with her. We had a photographer come in and take pictures(thank you again Rene). Just as she started posing Sydney on the couch out pops a rainbow and where everyone saw it it was coming from right above Sydney. We had all day with her, it will never be enough time but I am thankful for ever second I got to hold her. After they took her my boys and nieces and nephews came up. I got to hug my boys I had wanted to to that so bad for 2 days now. They left and everything became so real. This was it this is how it is going to be. I will always have my boys but there will always be a part missing. I will always wonder what would she be like right now? What would she look like? What kid of foods would she eat? What would she be scared of? Even simple things like "What would her cry sound like?" I have no idea how one heals from this I feel like I will never be happy. I will never stop crying. People say that writing will help so I am hoping this blog will be a good place to come and write out with my feelings.