Sorry for my late reply. I havent been able to find the words to express what I am feeling at this moment. Well actually I take that back, I feel sad, depressed, and angry. Why did have to be our little girl that had to be taken?Why were my sons denied the opportunity to bond with their sister that they looked forward to playing with?
You know I sit here and all I can think of is how I could teach my little girl thing I like to do or the fact that Debi finally had a girl in the house that is so dominated by boys. How Zack and Aidyn would have a blast with her.
I can see Zack wanting to feed her and Aidyn wanting to rub her face. I also feel like it has already been months even though it was just 4 days ago. As of right now I am unsure as to what the future holds for us. I have trouble sleeping,I feel like if I stop grieving that means that I no longer care anymore.
As unfortunate as this event has been I have grown closer to my family, especially Debi in these last few days. But I also find myself not knowing what to do to comfort her. I used to be a very sympathetic person. I like to be intimate, cuddly and so forth, but after this I am scared, really scared of wanting to touchor hold anyone. I am unsure of when I would like to try for another child. At the sametime Debi, I dont want you to think I dont love you. I dont want to feel distant, but I am increasingly finding myself without direction.
To think that our loss is changing me this much scares the hell out of me. I want my little girl to be back here damn it. I must say though I am very appreciative of all the support we have gotten from coworkers, family and friends and people we dont even know. You have no idea how much your support means to us and how just coming by and hanging out really helps us.
This was hard for me to post, but I managed. I hope I can feel up to doing more. I miss you Sydney Michele. So much that a small part of me wishes I was there with you.
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