Nauseous

I often feel sick to my stomach, all I want to to is curl up on the bathroom floor and be sick.

Today I am having a hard time accepting what has happened to our family. It seems since this has happened I wake up at 3am every morning and have a hard time falling back asleep, this morning I couldn't. I tried to find comfort on the internet but then I remember the rest of the world is sleeping.  I had high hopes for this morning once the boys & Dave woke up I felt pretty good. Then bam it hit me, my baby is dead. She is never coming back. How is that possible when I just heard her heartbeat, I just felt her squirming around. I started crying in front of Zack he he gave me the saddest look and gave me a big hug and snuggles. My baby boy should not have to be the strong one for me. I know he doesn't totally grasp what has happened, but he is a great comfort.

One thing that is really hitting me hard today is that my milk has come in. My chest was already heavy and sore now it is unbearable. I am also realizing that just as I might see some relief there will be another reminder. Soon we will get her ashes, the autopsy report, the hospital bills, and the photos that were taken.